Hard

This week has been hard.

This month has been hard (and its only the 14th).

School hit the ground running. Jack has been learning all about being in middle school. We have been learning all about being in middle school.

Two weeks into school, he brings home science fair homework. Each week something is due for the project. We can't officially start the project until all of these little pieces are turned in. This week, he brought home information on a science project that is due in 3 weeks (on top of science fair and all regular homework).

For the most part he has been doing well in school. For the most part.

A little background, Jack has ADHD and ODD which shows its head in the form of behavior problems at school. We have been dealing with this for almost 8 years.

It is tiring. Exhausting.

He is growing and not having near the issues that he has had in the past. When he was younger the issues were much longer and much harder to get through.

During those years, I never thought we would see the light at the end of the tunnel. There was a lot of therapy - family, individual for him and group for him. It was tiring but it was worth it. That therapy and learning of different techniques is what brought the growth.

I am glad for the growth. It is the only way that we have gotten this far. There were many days when Jon and I both wanted to throw in the towel. It was too hard.

How could we keep doing this? Why did this make us feel like failures as parents, as adults?

For the last couple of school years, we got phone calls in the first week of school due to some behavioral problem that popped up. Calls to come and get him because he just wouldn't calm down. Do you know how sad that makes you feel as a parent? How judged you feel because your child had to be sent home during the first week of school? It is so frustrating. There were days that I would sit in my truck and just cry.

Yesterday, we got our first call of this school year. The deflated defeated feeling hit me like a truck. I could physically feel it. Jon and I both just looked at each other. Neither knowing what to say or how to fix it. We picked him up - by this time he was calm. We talked. He acknowledged what he did and how he would respond next time.

Progress.

However, as a mom, it was still hard. So very hard.

Even though it has been hard we have to keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other. I know that if I don't set the example that he won't understand that everyone has bad days.

Even moms have bad days. Especially this one.

Keep pushing through mama. You're doing a great job.

The Day Before the World Changed

Here we sit in the final hours of September 10th.

17 years ago, all Americans were winding down from a Monday (much like today). There were thousands of people that were spending their last night on this earth. None of us knew what the next day would hold. Only God.

17 years ago, I was 18 years old and in my first full week of college. I had just finished my 4th day of class. I have no recall of what I did on Monday evening but I can recall almost every minute of what I did on September 11.

!7 years ago, the naivety of myself and my life was in its final hours. I thought that I had been through some rough things up to this point in my life but little did I know what was coming.

But then September 11.

I often think about the thoughts of God during this night. I know that He knew of the evil that was about to befall our country. The weeks, months, and years following this event were full of questions - many of them asking why God would allow this to happen. When I remember hearing those questions, I go to the story of Job. I believe that God used this act of great evil to turn people to Him.

Tomorrow, we will remember all of those people that boarded a plane that never made it to its destination. All of those people that simply walked into a building to go to work, in New York and Washington D.C. Tomorrow, we will relive the worst day in American history.

Tonight, we remember the innocence of life before the day the world changed.

Team No Sleep

**Sorry I have been absent for a while. Summer has been very busy. We just completed our last summer event before school starts to ramp up. I digress, on to the post.**

I sit here at 12:30 on Wednesday morning. Wide awake and on my 3rd episode of Golden Girls. (I'm secretly 88.) I love Golden Girls but I love sleep more. Being the stay at home parent means that I am usually the one up well past midnight making sure all is well in our house. I'm the one that hears the pump going off, even over the sound of the TV. I'm the one that hears the dog scratch at the door to alert. I'm not always the one that wakes up at 3 or 4 am to check the blood sugar but I'm the one that hears it. I know that my husband appreciates that I stay up late because he has to get up early in the morning for work. He works very hard.

I would like to say that this only happens a couple of nights a week but I would be lying. It happens so often that the dogs and I have a routine of potty breaks and drinks of water. One of our dogs stays awake usually as long as I am awake. I live on 4 hours of sleep a day. There are many days that I am driving the struggle bus but I know that I can't give up because Jack needs me.

I struggle when my neurologist tells me that my migraines are probably caused by a lack of sleep. I know that I have to be the best mom and wife I can be and if that means I don't get a full nights sleep than so be it.

For those of you that are new to your journey or to the point where sleep has left again, you're not alone. There are many moms (& dads) all over this country who are wide awake because their children need them. Don't give up. Coffee will be your friend when morning rolls around. And hopefully a time will appear during the day that you can catch a nap - however short it may be.

Closing a Chapter

Summer is here. 9 weeks of pretty much doing nothing. Right up any kids alley. It was hard going into summer this year because we are closing a chapter. A big chapter.

You see we have officially finished elementary school. We are moving into the preteen/teen years.

Oh no. I'm not ready.

I don't want too.

6 years at the same school came to an end all too fast. We are picking up and moving to another school. I know no one. Jack, on the other hand, knows a few people. Probably more than I know. He's so excited. I'm so nervous. All Jack looks at is that he is changing schools and he is getting bigger. He knows he will have 7 classes and will change classes. He is so excited and is looking forward to it.

I am freaking out. Being the mom of a child with medical issues and an IEP makes moving to a new school very difficult. There have already been phone calls to the district offices to inquire about a nurse. Watching closely at all news stories that have anything to do with new administration at the schools. We have already found out that his school will be getting a new principal. I have heard from another mom that there is word that one of the assistant principals is moving schools. That one is tough for me as I have already begun to form a relationship with him. We are waiting for state test scores to come in so that I can call the guidance counselor to set up a meeting to go over his IEP, needs for his Type 1 and the fact that he has a service dog.

Let me veer here for a second. In a phone call from the county health nurse that is at his school one day a week (we won't start on that right now), I mentioned that he has a service dog. The first thing that came out of her mouth was "Is the dog coming to school with him?" When I opened my mouth sarcasm fell out. I couldn't help it. It just spilled right out. Why does most people ask me if he goes to school with him? Yes, Izzy goes to school. Jack goes to school so Izzy goes.

That's all on that.

Back to my closing chapter.

I know that as the mom it is my responsibility to worry and manage all of these things. However, in doing all of those things, I am constantly realizing that my little boy is growing up.

Do you remember when your baby was born? Do you remember someone or everyone telling you to take it all in because that tiny newborn baby is going to grow up so fast and before you know it they will be going off to college/military/job? Well, I am here to tell you that it really does happen that fast. I thought that I would have so much longer before I was having to worry about teenage years.

I remember when Jack was little (toddler stage) that it was going to be forever before he went to "big" school. Those first five years seemed to go on forever. I loved them. For the most part. Then came kindergarten. I thought that he would be in elementary school forever. Nope.

I am here to tell you to cherish every chapter, every stage, every day. It all goes by so quickly.

So here we are at the start of a new chapter and I'm going through. Reluctantly but I'm going.

Don't Give Up

When I logged in to Facebook around mid-morning this morning, I was met with the news that Kate Spade (a famous designer) had committed suicide. No one knew that she was struggling with anything. She seemed like a happy mom of a 13 year old. There will be many questions over the next few months as to why she did this.

Living in this world is hard. It doesn't matter your circumstance, your struggles, your battles. Life doesn't take any of that into account. However, God tells us that in this life we WILL have many troubles. Another thing to remember is that life is this way because we live in a fallen, sin filled world. I do believe that life has become so much harder since the age of social media has started. We all feel that we must be perfect. We feel that we must put up a perfect life on the internet so that everyone will think  we have it all together. When in reality, we often don't have it together at all. We are often holding on by a tiny thread that can break at any moment.

There are many times when I feel like I am drowning. I say this because I have a loving, helpful spouse and a great support system. Many times in a week, I feel overwhelmed. When I feel like this, I don't know what to do or where to go. Most of the time I just keep pushing through. I feel lucky to have so many great people around me to support me. The problem is that a lot of people don't have a good support system, if any at all.

The hardest thing to admit to is that even though I have such a wonderful support system, there are many times that I find myself sitting in isolation. When living with a child that has a severe medical condition, being the full time care-giver of an aging parent, or living in a difficult situation, the first thing that seems to grab hold is isolation. The situation and the devil have a way of getting into our brains to tell us that no one will understand what we are going through. That no one wants to hear what is going on or wrong with us. That isolation can cause us to think that we don't matter to anyone. It can cause us to think that it is not okay to reach out for help of any kind.

I know that there are a lot of people out there that say everything is going to be ok, ask for help, etc. It is easy to say those words and never follow them up with actual actions. When that happens, it can further deepen the false words that you don't matter.

I am writing this to tell you (and me) to not give up. There is someone that loves you and is counting on you. Keep fighting. Find someone that you trust that you can talk to. You can talk to me - I'm a great listener (or so I've been told).

Please don't give up. You are so loved.

Find Your Tribe

Being an adult is hard. Being a mom is harder. Being a friend is the hardest (in my opinion).

When we were kids, it seemed so easy to make friends. Everybody was our friend no matter the differences. The older we got the more we looked for friends that held our interests or that were like us in some way. Then adulthood came - almost seemingly out of nowhere. Some of us got married right away or right out of college. Some waited. Others became parents. We are at many different points in our adult lives but I think it is safe to say that at some point we feel like we are alone.

I, for one, can say that this life of mine is quite lonely. Although I would say if I didn't have my people around it would be so much worse. Seasons and phases of life come that will cause people to come in and out of our lives for whatever reasons. Even to have people in your life for a season is better than to not have anyone at all. Whatever we are going through many times seems very isolating in addition to the loneliness. I feel that the isolation can be almost worse than being alone. I know that I have felt that there is no one out there that understands what I am going through but boy am I wrong.

You don't have to find someone that understands everything that you are going through or struggling with. I have found many different people that can relate in many different areas to what is going on in my life. I have friends that fully understand what we are going through as parents of a child with Type 1. Friends that understand what it is like living with a child that has a chronic illness. Friends that are military spouses or former military spouses. In everything friends. My tribe. In a lot of areas of my friendships they do not overlap with one another but that is ok.

One thing that I have learned over the years is that as outgoing as I was as a child and teenager it is a little harder to be that way. One other thing that I have learned is that I don't really seem to care what others think about me so I am who I am and either they like me or they don't. I know that is not an easy thing for most people to do. I also know that it is easy for me to say sitting behind a screen.

It is a scary thing to put yourself out there to strangers. To be vulnerable and let others into your life and everything that is going on. It does feel easier to just put a shield up and not let others in. It feels easier to have that guard up. Especially when there may be hurt and betrayal from people in the past.

Find those people that will lift you up. Find those that will be an empathetic ear and shoulder when you need one. Find those people who make being a friend easy - who will not expect a lot from you, who understand that life continues. Find those that if you go awhile without talking you can just pick up where you left off like no time has past.

Another thing that I think about when finding your tribe, your friends is to be a good friend. I know that it is easy to have friends but it is very hard to be a good friend. Be their encourager and cheerleader. They live this crazy life too and need a friend as much as you or I need a friend. Be genuine with them. Be you.

I know that my friends (for the most part) love me for my weirdness, goofiness and all of my flaws.

Find your tribe. Love them well. In return they will love you well.

Fighting

In this life there is a lot of fighting. Fighting over land, over food, over water. Fighting amongst families. Fighting in politics. There is just a lot of fighting.

As a parent of a child with a chronic medical condition, everyday is a fight. Even before Type 1 we were fighting. Jack has ADHD and ODD. If you don't know what ODD is, it is Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I know that explains nothing but it also explains everything. It is exactly what it says it is. Basically what it is is that Jack has a hard time controlling his temper and can be disobedient and defiant. We had to fight for a correct diagnosis. We had to fight for appropriate therapy. We learned that he had a speech impediment so we had to fight for the speech therapy.

The worse part about all of is the waiting. Waiting for results. Waiting for doctor's appointments to be scheduled. Waiting.

Then came school. That is a whole other level of fighting. Kindergarten was rough. ROUGH. One of the main reasons it was so tough was a personality clash between the teacher, Jack and us. Communication was greatly lacking. We, as his parents, were fighting for what was best for Jack. We wanted him to succeed and continue to love school. We made it through kindergarten.

One year later, we added Type 1 diabetes to the list of things going on. We also added another level of fighting. This level is one that I wasn't fully sure that excited. Within one week of learning of this life changing diagnosis, I was on the phone with a doctor at Duval County Public Schools being told that I had to move Jack from the school that he loved to another one that was chosen for me. That's when Mama Bear came out. For those of you that are not fully immersed in the world of chronic illnesses or children with disabilities, this is against the law. You can NOT be told or asked to move your chid to another school because they don't have the means to care for them at the current school. There are NO full time nurses in schools in Duval County. The only full time nurses that are in the schools are there because they have children with disabilities at that school that require them to be there. I spent the week of diagnosis and the week after fighting with this doctor to get a nurse at Jack's school. He very much did not want to put a nurse there for a myriad of reasons - cost, they didn't have one, etc. Much to his dismay, I told him that I didn't care about his excuses and that Jack would be going back to his school for the last 3 weeks of school. Two days later, I received a phone call back from that doctor telling me that a nurse would be at the school for the last 3 weeks. Small victory but the fighting wasn't over for the nurse. A month before school started for the 2nd grade year, I called back to that doctor to make sure that the nurse would still be there the first day of school. He started once again telling me that I needed to move schools and they couldn't guarantee me a nurse. Again I fought and again a small victory.

In this life of constant fighting we must take the small victories when we get them and celebrate them. Keep those in the back of your mind when you are fighting. They help you to remember that the fighting is all worth it. Only in the last 2 years have I truly remembered this. My husband and many others tell me very regularly that all of the battles that have already been fought for have been for a purpose. They tell me that I am paving the way for other kids that are coming behind Jack. Not just at school but with insurance companies and doctors.

Parents with kids that have chronic illnesses are always fighting for what their kids medically need. I have fought for insulin (which is a MUST for Jack to live), for an insulin pump (which is the current battle we are fighting), for testing supplies, for good doctors, etc. Let me say this, it is exhausting and frustrating. I am going to be totally transparent. I don't want to paint this picture of it is easy and that I sleep well at night because I don't. All of this fighting is hard but I hope and pray that Jack is seeing it and seeing that his parents love him. I also hope that he is learning resilience and to never give up.

If you are fighting something in your life or in the life of your child, please don't give up. Even though you probably don't see it now, you are paving the way for someone behind you. You may feel like you want to give up, don't. Go have a good cry. Believe me, I have cried more than once after getting off the phone with the insurance or a doctor or a teacher/administrator/principal. I've cried in the Target parking lot, in the Chick-fil-a drive thru and on my couch alone in my house. Find a friend that knows what you are going through or is just a really good listener.

Just keep going.

Find the small victory. Celebrate it like its a huge victory. (Ice cream is my go to)

Cry it out if you need to.

Keep fighting.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. The day that is solely focused on moms. In many families, moms carry the load so there is this one day to honor them. Us. The question that I start to see being asked across social media throughout the week leading up to this day is "What do moms really want on Mother's Day?'

Think about that.

How would you answer? How would your mom answer?

For those that are full time caregivers for medically fragile kids, I think that they would answer for whatever their child is struggling with would just play nice for one day. For me, it is that Jack's diabetes would be in range for the day. Of course leading into this day his blood sugar was over 600 for a few hours. That meant that we had to change a pump site and have an insulin pen on stand by. I have heard from a lot of moms that they would just like to sleep in. For many caregiver parents, they would like to sleep a few hours without interruption.

What about those ladies who are celebrating, or rather making it through the day, without their mothers?

I have a few friends that spend this day remembering their moms and the impact that they had on their lives for the time that God allowed them to be here. For those that are moms and have lost their moms, I feel like the day is a bittersweet one. They are showered with love from their families and reminded how important they are but the one they most wish to celebrate with is no longer here. If you have a friend or know someone who is celebrating this Mother's Day without their mom, show them some love. It's a tough day when you don't have that parent around anymore to shower them with love and appreciation on their day.

Another thing that I always think about on Mother's Day is legacy and impact. Many Mother's Days at church are spent talking about this. Believe it or not, moms have a great impact on their children. Positive or negative, there is some type of impact. Even if you are not a mom and you have influence not the lives of kids (of all ages), you are leaving a legacy and an impact. When I think about this, I think about the impact and legacy my mom has set for me. In loving and taking care of my dad, she taught me how to give to others. That's where my heart for serving comes from. I saw her pour everything out for my dad everyday but also show up to the ball park to work many hours in the concession stand and coach my softball teams. She taught me how to be a wife who loves unconditionally and is in it for the long haul. I saw my parents fight, as many parents do, but I also saw my parents apologize and continue to work on their marriage. That's when I realized that marriage is work and you can't take it for granted. She taught me how to fight for what is right and to stand up for what I believe in. She taught me how to be a friend. A friend for life. She taught me how to be a mom. Being a parent is not easy. There is no manual but there are examples of what to do and what not to do.

What legacy and impact am I leaving for Jack?

What legacy and impact are you leaving?

Find a mom today and tell them how much they are appreciated and loved. If you are a mom and don't have any support in your life, I am here to tell you that you are amazing and that you are loved.

Happy Mother's Day to all you amazing women out there!

Hello

Well, here we go. I have been toying around for some time on what to do. I have had one of my son's doctors tell me that I should write a book about all of our experiences as it would help other families in the similar boat that we are in. Let's be honest, no one is in the same boat as anyone else because if we were we would be sinking. I figured that starting and writing a blog would be the easiest way to share my experiences of this life that we live. I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning.

You found me. What now? What is this blog all about? Who am I? What do I have to tell you?

I am Kim. I'm a 30-something wife and mother. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. I am a military wife. I'm mom to an almost 11 year old boy. There's the basics. At this point, you are probably saying that I am just like anyone else. Here's a little more to me. I love to laugh, fiercely loyal to my friends. I love all kinds of sports - mostly soccer, Florida Gators and Chicago Cubs. I love loud colors. I love Jesus.

Woah. I know.

Now for the story. What is this all about? What experiences do I have to share with you?

I am the mother of an almost 11 year old boy. He has a chronic illness. He has ADHD and ODD. He has Type 1 Diabetes. He has a service dog. He is a very smart kid who is beginning a big transition.

Keep reading.

Growing up, I was the daughter of an amazing dad. A dad that took everything in stride. He was a hard worker that just wanted to provide for his family. But he was sick. I don't remember at what age I realized that my dad was sick. My dad was also a Type 1 Diabetic. He died when I was 17 years old. For almost my whole childhood, I grew up learning how to take care of my dad and be responsible while my mom was working. I learned how to be a good wife. I learned all about this disease that I didn't have a choice in learning about. I learned to draw insulin into small insulin syringes. I watched as my dad gave himself shots in case I ever needed to give him one. I learned how to look for the signs of a low blood sugar and how to react to help save my dad. On many occasions I helped my grandfather keep my dad calm so that help could be administered by the fire department. I also learned about every side effect of Type 1 Diabetes. He had them all - blindness, failing kidney, loss of circulation and loss of limbs. Finally, I learned death. I am not here to make you sad or for you to feel sorry for me.

Full circle. God was preparing me.

I just didn't know it yet.

2014 is when life changed again. 6 year old little boy is very sick. We are not exactly sure why. Stomach bug from school or his soccer team - possible. After putting things together, my mom and I figured it out. Type 1 Diabetes. A visit to the pediatrician the next morning confirmed it. Calm. I had to stay calm. I had to make sure that my sweet boy wasn't scared. I also knew that there was nothing that could be done to change this diagnosis. Calm. A week in the hospital learning all about this disease. I often tell others that diabetic parents should be given an honorary M.D. when they leave the hospital. I now had to do this all over again. You know what showed up in the car on the way home from the hospital. Not a scared little boy but a boy that was taking everything in stride. At almost 7 years old.

Calm.

I am going to try my best to share our experiences over the past years. Not only with Type 1 diabetes but with ADHD, ODD, therapy, service dogs, school. Mostly I want to make sure that everyone who reads this knows that no matter what they are going through, they are not alone. I want to help those that love people who are struggling with these issues to be a good friend, a listening ear, and a hug when it is needed.

Stick with me.