Real Talk

I have started writing this blog 3 or 4 different times and each of those times I have stopped. 7 months since I have written anything. I can give you all the normal excuses - life got busy, holidays, school for the boy, etc. For 3 of those 7 months that is the truth. What about the other 4? Well, that is altogether a different story.

What I am going to share is something that I haven't told very many people - only those that I trust very much, those that I know love me unconditionally and are walking through this with me. Truthfully, every single day is a battle, a struggle. The beginning of 2019 started out wonderfully - I felt like I had a good plan for this year. That's where I went wrong - I had a plan. I was digging deeper in to God's Word - every day. It didn't feel like I was just checking a box. I truly believe that I was growing. Then the valley came. I had to have a 2nd surgery on my foot due to a stitch being left in after my last surgery in October. Such an unexpected thing that I thought I would get through like any other thing. Boy was I ever wrong. Everything with that surgery happened so fast. I didn't even want to go back to the doctor in the first place and Jon made me. I am thankful that he did but I was not prepared for the aftermath. The unexpected came when I was told that I had to stay off my foot for 3 weeks Those 3 weeks were some of the hardest weeks of my life. For a month, I was engulfed in darkness. I would like to say that once I was able to get back on both of my feet that the darkness lifted but it didn't. At the end of March, I finally got up the nerve to go to the doctor and that's when I was diagnosed with depression.

Depression is something that I never thought that I would experience - ever. I know people that battle depression. I've read stories about people that battle and live with depression. Even though I had garnered up the courage to go to the doctor, I still felt ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't get myself out of this funk, this darkness. Ashamed that almost every day I would always end up back in my bed after my morning mom duties until I had to leave again in the afternoon. I would put a smile on my face and power through the times where I would have to be out of the house. I didn't want to tell anyone what was going on or how I was feeling - even Jon.

I was just looking back on some past blogs that I wrote at almost this time last year. All of those words that I wrote at that time are true and still true to this day. I don't know why God gave me this valley to be in for a while but here I am. God is still good in all of this. He has put some amazing people in my life to be here during this tough time. He is with me every day when I am struggling to leave the house. He is with me.

I can now say that I fully understand what people with depression experience on a minute by minute basis. There is no just getting over it. I would like to also say that most days I am not ok but I am working on it.

He is with me. Always.

Kim

Hard

This week has been hard.

This month has been hard (and its only the 14th).

School hit the ground running. Jack has been learning all about being in middle school. We have been learning all about being in middle school.

Two weeks into school, he brings home science fair homework. Each week something is due for the project. We can't officially start the project until all of these little pieces are turned in. This week, he brought home information on a science project that is due in 3 weeks (on top of science fair and all regular homework).

For the most part he has been doing well in school. For the most part.

A little background, Jack has ADHD and ODD which shows its head in the form of behavior problems at school. We have been dealing with this for almost 8 years.

It is tiring. Exhausting.

He is growing and not having near the issues that he has had in the past. When he was younger the issues were much longer and much harder to get through.

During those years, I never thought we would see the light at the end of the tunnel. There was a lot of therapy - family, individual for him and group for him. It was tiring but it was worth it. That therapy and learning of different techniques is what brought the growth.

I am glad for the growth. It is the only way that we have gotten this far. There were many days when Jon and I both wanted to throw in the towel. It was too hard.

How could we keep doing this? Why did this make us feel like failures as parents, as adults?

For the last couple of school years, we got phone calls in the first week of school due to some behavioral problem that popped up. Calls to come and get him because he just wouldn't calm down. Do you know how sad that makes you feel as a parent? How judged you feel because your child had to be sent home during the first week of school? It is so frustrating. There were days that I would sit in my truck and just cry.

Yesterday, we got our first call of this school year. The deflated defeated feeling hit me like a truck. I could physically feel it. Jon and I both just looked at each other. Neither knowing what to say or how to fix it. We picked him up - by this time he was calm. We talked. He acknowledged what he did and how he would respond next time.

Progress.

However, as a mom, it was still hard. So very hard.

Even though it has been hard we have to keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other. I know that if I don't set the example that he won't understand that everyone has bad days.

Even moms have bad days. Especially this one.

Keep pushing through mama. You're doing a great job.

The Day Before the World Changed

Here we sit in the final hours of September 10th.

17 years ago, all Americans were winding down from a Monday (much like today). There were thousands of people that were spending their last night on this earth. None of us knew what the next day would hold. Only God.

17 years ago, I was 18 years old and in my first full week of college. I had just finished my 4th day of class. I have no recall of what I did on Monday evening but I can recall almost every minute of what I did on September 11.

!7 years ago, the naivety of myself and my life was in its final hours. I thought that I had been through some rough things up to this point in my life but little did I know what was coming.

But then September 11.

I often think about the thoughts of God during this night. I know that He knew of the evil that was about to befall our country. The weeks, months, and years following this event were full of questions - many of them asking why God would allow this to happen. When I remember hearing those questions, I go to the story of Job. I believe that God used this act of great evil to turn people to Him.

Tomorrow, we will remember all of those people that boarded a plane that never made it to its destination. All of those people that simply walked into a building to go to work, in New York and Washington D.C. Tomorrow, we will relive the worst day in American history.

Tonight, we remember the innocence of life before the day the world changed.

Team No Sleep

**Sorry I have been absent for a while. Summer has been very busy. We just completed our last summer event before school starts to ramp up. I digress, on to the post.**

I sit here at 12:30 on Wednesday morning. Wide awake and on my 3rd episode of Golden Girls. (I'm secretly 88.) I love Golden Girls but I love sleep more. Being the stay at home parent means that I am usually the one up well past midnight making sure all is well in our house. I'm the one that hears the pump going off, even over the sound of the TV. I'm the one that hears the dog scratch at the door to alert. I'm not always the one that wakes up at 3 or 4 am to check the blood sugar but I'm the one that hears it. I know that my husband appreciates that I stay up late because he has to get up early in the morning for work. He works very hard.

I would like to say that this only happens a couple of nights a week but I would be lying. It happens so often that the dogs and I have a routine of potty breaks and drinks of water. One of our dogs stays awake usually as long as I am awake. I live on 4 hours of sleep a day. There are many days that I am driving the struggle bus but I know that I can't give up because Jack needs me.

I struggle when my neurologist tells me that my migraines are probably caused by a lack of sleep. I know that I have to be the best mom and wife I can be and if that means I don't get a full nights sleep than so be it.

For those of you that are new to your journey or to the point where sleep has left again, you're not alone. There are many moms (& dads) all over this country who are wide awake because their children need them. Don't give up. Coffee will be your friend when morning rolls around. And hopefully a time will appear during the day that you can catch a nap - however short it may be.

Closing a Chapter

Summer is here. 9 weeks of pretty much doing nothing. Right up any kids alley. It was hard going into summer this year because we are closing a chapter. A big chapter.

You see we have officially finished elementary school. We are moving into the preteen/teen years.

Oh no. I'm not ready.

I don't want too.

6 years at the same school came to an end all too fast. We are picking up and moving to another school. I know no one. Jack, on the other hand, knows a few people. Probably more than I know. He's so excited. I'm so nervous. All Jack looks at is that he is changing schools and he is getting bigger. He knows he will have 7 classes and will change classes. He is so excited and is looking forward to it.

I am freaking out. Being the mom of a child with medical issues and an IEP makes moving to a new school very difficult. There have already been phone calls to the district offices to inquire about a nurse. Watching closely at all news stories that have anything to do with new administration at the schools. We have already found out that his school will be getting a new principal. I have heard from another mom that there is word that one of the assistant principals is moving schools. That one is tough for me as I have already begun to form a relationship with him. We are waiting for state test scores to come in so that I can call the guidance counselor to set up a meeting to go over his IEP, needs for his Type 1 and the fact that he has a service dog.

Let me veer here for a second. In a phone call from the county health nurse that is at his school one day a week (we won't start on that right now), I mentioned that he has a service dog. The first thing that came out of her mouth was "Is the dog coming to school with him?" When I opened my mouth sarcasm fell out. I couldn't help it. It just spilled right out. Why does most people ask me if he goes to school with him? Yes, Izzy goes to school. Jack goes to school so Izzy goes.

That's all on that.

Back to my closing chapter.

I know that as the mom it is my responsibility to worry and manage all of these things. However, in doing all of those things, I am constantly realizing that my little boy is growing up.

Do you remember when your baby was born? Do you remember someone or everyone telling you to take it all in because that tiny newborn baby is going to grow up so fast and before you know it they will be going off to college/military/job? Well, I am here to tell you that it really does happen that fast. I thought that I would have so much longer before I was having to worry about teenage years.

I remember when Jack was little (toddler stage) that it was going to be forever before he went to "big" school. Those first five years seemed to go on forever. I loved them. For the most part. Then came kindergarten. I thought that he would be in elementary school forever. Nope.

I am here to tell you to cherish every chapter, every stage, every day. It all goes by so quickly.

So here we are at the start of a new chapter and I'm going through. Reluctantly but I'm going.

Don't Give Up

When I logged in to Facebook around mid-morning this morning, I was met with the news that Kate Spade (a famous designer) had committed suicide. No one knew that she was struggling with anything. She seemed like a happy mom of a 13 year old. There will be many questions over the next few months as to why she did this.

Living in this world is hard. It doesn't matter your circumstance, your struggles, your battles. Life doesn't take any of that into account. However, God tells us that in this life we WILL have many troubles. Another thing to remember is that life is this way because we live in a fallen, sin filled world. I do believe that life has become so much harder since the age of social media has started. We all feel that we must be perfect. We feel that we must put up a perfect life on the internet so that everyone will think  we have it all together. When in reality, we often don't have it together at all. We are often holding on by a tiny thread that can break at any moment.

There are many times when I feel like I am drowning. I say this because I have a loving, helpful spouse and a great support system. Many times in a week, I feel overwhelmed. When I feel like this, I don't know what to do or where to go. Most of the time I just keep pushing through. I feel lucky to have so many great people around me to support me. The problem is that a lot of people don't have a good support system, if any at all.

The hardest thing to admit to is that even though I have such a wonderful support system, there are many times that I find myself sitting in isolation. When living with a child that has a severe medical condition, being the full time care-giver of an aging parent, or living in a difficult situation, the first thing that seems to grab hold is isolation. The situation and the devil have a way of getting into our brains to tell us that no one will understand what we are going through. That no one wants to hear what is going on or wrong with us. That isolation can cause us to think that we don't matter to anyone. It can cause us to think that it is not okay to reach out for help of any kind.

I know that there are a lot of people out there that say everything is going to be ok, ask for help, etc. It is easy to say those words and never follow them up with actual actions. When that happens, it can further deepen the false words that you don't matter.

I am writing this to tell you (and me) to not give up. There is someone that loves you and is counting on you. Keep fighting. Find someone that you trust that you can talk to. You can talk to me - I'm a great listener (or so I've been told).

Please don't give up. You are so loved.

Find Your Tribe

Being an adult is hard. Being a mom is harder. Being a friend is the hardest (in my opinion).

When we were kids, it seemed so easy to make friends. Everybody was our friend no matter the differences. The older we got the more we looked for friends that held our interests or that were like us in some way. Then adulthood came - almost seemingly out of nowhere. Some of us got married right away or right out of college. Some waited. Others became parents. We are at many different points in our adult lives but I think it is safe to say that at some point we feel like we are alone.

I, for one, can say that this life of mine is quite lonely. Although I would say if I didn't have my people around it would be so much worse. Seasons and phases of life come that will cause people to come in and out of our lives for whatever reasons. Even to have people in your life for a season is better than to not have anyone at all. Whatever we are going through many times seems very isolating in addition to the loneliness. I feel that the isolation can be almost worse than being alone. I know that I have felt that there is no one out there that understands what I am going through but boy am I wrong.

You don't have to find someone that understands everything that you are going through or struggling with. I have found many different people that can relate in many different areas to what is going on in my life. I have friends that fully understand what we are going through as parents of a child with Type 1. Friends that understand what it is like living with a child that has a chronic illness. Friends that are military spouses or former military spouses. In everything friends. My tribe. In a lot of areas of my friendships they do not overlap with one another but that is ok.

One thing that I have learned over the years is that as outgoing as I was as a child and teenager it is a little harder to be that way. One other thing that I have learned is that I don't really seem to care what others think about me so I am who I am and either they like me or they don't. I know that is not an easy thing for most people to do. I also know that it is easy for me to say sitting behind a screen.

It is a scary thing to put yourself out there to strangers. To be vulnerable and let others into your life and everything that is going on. It does feel easier to just put a shield up and not let others in. It feels easier to have that guard up. Especially when there may be hurt and betrayal from people in the past.

Find those people that will lift you up. Find those that will be an empathetic ear and shoulder when you need one. Find those people who make being a friend easy - who will not expect a lot from you, who understand that life continues. Find those that if you go awhile without talking you can just pick up where you left off like no time has past.

Another thing that I think about when finding your tribe, your friends is to be a good friend. I know that it is easy to have friends but it is very hard to be a good friend. Be their encourager and cheerleader. They live this crazy life too and need a friend as much as you or I need a friend. Be genuine with them. Be you.

I know that my friends (for the most part) love me for my weirdness, goofiness and all of my flaws.

Find your tribe. Love them well. In return they will love you well.