What I am going to share is something that I haven't told very many people - only those that I trust very much, those that I know love me unconditionally and are walking through this with me. Truthfully, every single day is a battle, a struggle. The beginning of 2019 started out wonderfully - I felt like I had a good plan for this year. That's where I went wrong - I had a plan. I was digging deeper in to God's Word - every day. It didn't feel like I was just checking a box. I truly believe that I was growing. Then the valley came. I had to have a 2nd surgery on my foot due to a stitch being left in after my last surgery in October. Such an unexpected thing that I thought I would get through like any other thing. Boy was I ever wrong. Everything with that surgery happened so fast. I didn't even want to go back to the doctor in the first place and Jon made me. I am thankful that he did but I was not prepared for the aftermath. The unexpected came when I was told that I had to stay off my foot for 3 weeks Those 3 weeks were some of the hardest weeks of my life. For a month, I was engulfed in darkness. I would like to say that once I was able to get back on both of my feet that the darkness lifted but it didn't. At the end of March, I finally got up the nerve to go to the doctor and that's when I was diagnosed with depression.
Depression is something that I never thought that I would experience - ever. I know people that battle depression. I've read stories about people that battle and live with depression. Even though I had garnered up the courage to go to the doctor, I still felt ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't get myself out of this funk, this darkness. Ashamed that almost every day I would always end up back in my bed after my morning mom duties until I had to leave again in the afternoon. I would put a smile on my face and power through the times where I would have to be out of the house. I didn't want to tell anyone what was going on or how I was feeling - even Jon.
I was just looking back on some past blogs that I wrote at almost this time last year. All of those words that I wrote at that time are true and still true to this day. I don't know why God gave me this valley to be in for a while but here I am. God is still good in all of this. He has put some amazing people in my life to be here during this tough time. He is with me every day when I am struggling to leave the house. He is with me.
I can now say that I fully understand what people with depression experience on a minute by minute basis. There is no just getting over it. I would like to also say that most days I am not ok but I am working on it.
He is with me. Always.
Kim
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